gosh. how many months has it been?

just randomly sitting at home, dreading book in (as usual), and i just went to re-read some old posts. and i realized i really miss my pre-NS days. freedom and proper management are but things of the past.

bah. i am just really bored and irritated about booking in now. bleah.

Okay. A really late post while waiting for my korean show to start & I secretly know I'm going to die at work tomorrow.

Suddenly I feel so detached from the world. its like work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep. Gosh. And I'm thoroughly bushed at the end of each day.

And just wanted to rant about some inner angst about the impression people have of temp staff. Especially for students who work temp jobs. My god. The amount of judgement you receive when people know you're a student. stupid customers. maybe like what alex said, no one else will ever understand the shit you go through. I mean, just cos we're temp/students doesn't mean we suck. Hello, i believe my colleagues and i give better service than a lot of the permanent staff out there. And the worst thing is, just because you're lucky/insensible enough to deny yourself a taste of what regular adults go through, while signing up for internships/slack at home while your family supports you, doesnt make you better than the others. Hate it when people use their better financial status to judge others. Its going through full-time of such things that i realized why working experience is so impt. So those rich kids out there can continue deluding themselves that their purchased internship/education will secure them a good life.

Okay, inner angst released. Now I'm a happier person. Honestly, thank goodness i took up this job. Sucky I know. But the stuff I've learnt is so much more. Most importantly, I figured, the most important thing a person can do is to be human first, and customer second. I guess everyone is so caught up trying to be an effective customer that they all forgot they're human.

And thank goodness for this job. Colleagues ended up being pretty great friends you know you can hang on to for the rest of your life. I swear, communal countdown to lunchbreak/end of work is probably the best bonding activity ever. Apart from bitching about horrible work experiences.

Work aside, my god, i do miss shopping with sandy/esti/sweej. and i do miss prata with josh/drew. tsk. see, army + work = end of social life. no wonder adults hate their lives. OKAY. i need to sms to arrange prata/shopping trips. and someone please remind me to apply for uni. i might actually forget.

And OMG. I just typed this whole post in under 5minutes. like, type, rephrase, edit, rephrase, retype and blah. haha, my god, i actually type super fast now (not to mention major typo errors all over)

Okay, gonna go sleep, i give up waiting for my show, goodness me gracious. Gonna zonk out and die now, so nights!

What's weird about it is where I'm at in the end.

Honestly, xiao long baos are the best thing to ease a bad day at work. Or just to ease off a bad mood day. Open houses were bleah, my brochures were more useful. IT show was strangely fulfilling, especially having adults go "wow, so young still dare to work at call centre". I kinda wanna blog more, but errands are calling out to me, TSK. annoying. k, gotta run, gonna blog when i finally rmb.

And yes rebecca, we need to celebrate pay day =)

just realized i forgot to post about how happy i am abt my results.

just realized i should not scream it out loud.

just realized this makes my post pretty pointless.

just realized, yay me.

=)

Finally back online after so long. Somehow typing this blog post feels like typing those acw notes. Damn, my job is taking over my life.

Gotta say, got to know my batch colleagues better, I'm glad I took up this job.

And ARGH. A's are out in like 14hours. Stress, fear, anxiety, . I could blog on for days, but nope, too freaking stressed out now to do anything properly.

But still, t'was nice to go out for temp staff dinner on tues, outing with councillors + shopping, and movie with the ding dongs. Hopefully, those tear ducts take off day tmr.

Okay, its official. I'm obsessed with work.

Btw, in case you havent realized. I is be freaking out right now. ARGH!

You know, sitting on that roof that night, really made me think. Everything they've done for me, and how much they actually mean to me. And its moments like this that i'm really glad everything happened the way it did. And the note someone wrote to me, i figured its probably time i stopped running away from it, and just get over it.

Like what shaun said 2 years ago, the fastest way to get rid of a difficult knot is to cut it. Better still, you get two strings instead of one.

*insert really gigantic smiley here*

and now for the real deal, holy #@$%^^$&*, A level results out in 5 days!

Okay, this is it. I'm taking this plunge on thursday, after 2 months of waiting. Someone wish me luck.

But yea, Vic's right. The toughest thing ever is let someone go, when you love that person but you know you two can never be together.

Still, I never thought I'll meet someone else that can make me feel like that.

Why the hell am I saying all this?

T'was the nicest day at work so far. That's probably the best birthday present actually, given the amount of terrible calls i had to handle over the past one week. And crapping with my colleagues over a tub of cornflakes sure helped.

Normally, I'd be upset over spending my birthday like this. Normally, I'd be jealous, why others have nice birthday celebrations, while I'm stuck working. But not normally, this job made me appreciate so many things more now. Like how Cleon kept msging me to keep me amused, celeste's non-stop, all day sure reply chatting service, shaun's random invite for a day out, sandy and sweej's double call + apology, nadia's smiley overload msgs, and all the "i'll-date-you-on-your-off-day-k?" msgs are more than enough.

So next week's jammed packed, probably not gonna get much sleep. Darn. I'm starting to get used to this life actually. The job's actually getting fine. I mean, even my sups say that its alright to get cursed at, just ignore them. Did I mention I've got awesome supervisors? Okay, now i will. Did i mention my colleagues are fully awesome? Okay, they are! Was gonna say especially some people, but i realized its almost all. Lol. I actually like my job for the colleagues.

But more importantly this job, i swear, taught me more than school ever had in 12 years. that people aren't very nice, and will stop at nothing to achieve their means. and it taught me that clashing head on, like how I always did, doesnt work in the real world. and it just taught me one thing, hang on to what you have, cos it might all be gone in the next second.

---------------

Well, part 2 of blogging. This is actually quite fun. Saw photos here and there, just replied to everyone who wished me happy birthday on facebook, gonna start on the twitter list. kinda feel bad that sandy feels bad. and texting vic was well, maybe i shouldnt have.

green book is feeling a little neglected, i guess i do need to pen some thoughts in. mom gave angpow, which i secretly like best. and shit, i'm still missing you. yes, keep guessing who this is.

shirley just texted me, that bimbo forgot the time difference again i guess. now that i think bout it, it's been 8 years. omg, wtf, 8 years?! okay, time to plan a flight to auckland to visit. somehow, if only, maybe, oh well, never mind. thanks anw, you're probably the only one reading this blog anw.

oh yes, wanted to say something, forgot what it is, tried to remember, failed, and not gonna bother.

and so to end off, and summarize:

happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to Lenna~

*beep
Hi, Welcome to M1, my name is Lennart, how may I help you?
(fuck)

I officially hate Singaporeans now.

But t'was nice with my colleagues, especially during the state of emergency. Job sucks, keep making mistakes, but thank god the company (in both sense of the word) keeps me going.

Singaporeans really need to learn that it isn't cool or awe-inspiring to threaten to destroy someone's income. I mean, we're all temps, so we don't really care, but imagine if I was the sole breadwinner of a family? Just to spite others, to prove your so called customer rights, just so you can tell your friends the next day how you very fiercely scolded someone, and you end up causing a family financial problems, and maybe even more. Or what if those very words you said caused someone to think of themselves as inferior, and you, there and then, just cut off all the confidence a person ever had. So Singaporeans, are you all still proud of standing up for your customer rights in this manner?

Once again, thank goodness I'm temp. And no, I'm not bitching about my job, just a thought that floated into my mind during lunch break yesterday. Cant people realize the nicer they are, the more we as CSOs will want to help you. Clarify/Request doesn't equate to scream+ swear+ curse someone's family to die. Tsk. Singaporeans. So full of themselves.

Colleagues rock, no wait, ROCK. It's almost like being back in school. And nice supervisors make it so much more tolerable. And not to mention pay. cant wait for first paycheck to come in. =)

Had a nice day off hanging out with basil. percy jackson is kinda cheesy but its still cool. b&js still awesome, mad jacks was disappointing. Its only when you're out there facing flak from the real world that you appreciate off-days. Who am I kidding. I rather this than 2 years in JC. At least I'm paid.

So I consider CNY over, seeing how nasty customers are getting, working morning shift, secretly pissed that I'm working on my birthday. Oh well. =(

there's always a place in me that you can call home.

Whoopee. CNY. Dong dong chiang, sounds like someone died.

Okay, morbid aside, day 1 was surprisingly better than previous years. the same old rubbish, same old routine, more houses added, better net profit on day one. Oh oh, and someone gave me a $26 red packet instead of $4 (tallied with my brother).

Spent the morning of eve with andrew, who is conveniently bald now. feels weird to be the one with the most hair now, annoyingly. going to spend tmr at some dimsum lunch + major mahjong session at my godmother's house. And one more day to mom's birthday, cant wait to show her her present.

Best. Feels good to finally feel free. Okay, enjoying my job, could do it for the rest of my life, or maybe just for NS. And colleagues are just awesome. Perks of doing temp jobs, no bonus, no promotions, so no politics.

And bester still. yes, i created that word. anyway, changed phone, my old messages are gone, feels like i'm throwing away old memories, but i figured there's hardly anything left to remind me about the "good old times". not after that night. and no, I'm not missing you.

and thinking back bout loads of stuff, just realized that i need to go down for TSD juniors' showing! (crap, gotta change shift) more importantly, it just reminded me no matter how much i hated the 2 years, i really shouldnt erase the happier memories there.

so hang on, life's getting better, no, you're not deluding yourself, and here's a big fat squishy hug to everyone.

birthday coming soon! (damn, vic's too! (oh wait, same birthday). )

cool, just had a thought within a thought.

Yay. An un-emo post after 1646131984 years. =)

Went for Suntec mass dance with my adopted OG, which was insane for me. <3 my freshies, and to my awesome OGLs: Sophie (you rock, like BIG TIME), Dylan (Happy birthday! don't get too drunk), Juanita (juani-juani-juani-TA!), Enzon & ben aka bansaurus or however you spell it. =) Feels great to have an OG, feels even better to get to know those ogls. Sophie, i owe you big time.

Spent my thursday afternoon with celeste and xy at mos talking abt stuff. haha. hilarious. makes me wish i could go back to j2 all over again.

and spent the post mass dance time with my junior adhoc, although a couple of them werent there. haha. goodness. the things they found out, and the thing i found out. which reminds me, i need to upload photos and tag spoons. and TSK CHUN YONG. bluff me. hahahahahahaha. just thinking bout all the rubbish we talked about is just driving me nuts now.

and sickeningly, work starts next week. oh well, $$ flow in!

So looking forward to monday for xw's bdae thing. Heh, gonna stun her for life. =)

did i mention that i think i prefered 2010 orientation over 2009? okay, just did. and here's shoutout to
celeste & xy: thanks for s43 moments, although we really senior citizens lar...
AR2D2: OOOOGGGG OUTING!!!!!!!
and <3 to sophie, kim, chunyong, shaun, siyun, yuwei, chenglu, enan, and the rest of the tsd juniors, TSD train was freaking fun.

yupp, girls do go wonky after 11pm. must be the moon. =)

Its like this sense of coldness all around.
But he just stuck to his decision and moved on.
Although it feels like something's missing,
he knows what he finds at the end is more than enough to fill him up again.

Just like a broken mug,
no matter how he tries to piece all back together,
the cracks still cut him.
So, might as well toss it away already.
Ain't worth the pain.

He knows he got himself onto this road,
but he knows all he has to do is to reach the end.
He knows he's never gonna change what's been and gone,
but he's not gonna let the stars fade away.

So what if the world throws him off the edge,
or if his feet run out of ground.
go ahead and say goodbye,
cos I'll be alright.

----

Emo to the max. Just something from my green book I wrote two days ago.

And just this tinge of regret. Everyone's gone/going. And those sickening thingies are back again, nothing I do gets them outta my head. Thanks for the memories though. T'was fun while it lasted, but I guess its finally over. At the very least, this mental battle is officially history, glad to be rid of it. So, done, deal, over. Bye.

So its a whole new beginning. I like how heartless I've become. Cos nothing ever hurt like you did.

Just logged in to say that I freaking love my TSD and SC juniors. Its people like them that actually make VJ worth going back to. Cant believe at the end of the day, its them who helped me fulfill one of my aims in VJ.

And got to know my junior class just a lil' bit better!

And just to say, my juniors all make me a very happy senior (citizen). almost makes adult fare worth it. right. who am i kidding. adult fare sucks big time.

one, two, three
open your eyes and see.

Hate having to act stupid, like i don't know what's happening.

Glee soundtrack is just bliss. Now waiting for the goddamn torrents to finish up the downloads, so I can enjoy Glee and Legend of Seeker before I end up in army.

Went back to crash orientation, volunteered for rumble, going to continue crashing orientation (attaching myself to jasmine's or sophie's OG), considering crashing 10S38 for seasports. I really should just declare myself a J1. Celebrated adeeb's birthday, not going for cleon's today, thank god I passed him my present.

If this was a O Level English essay, I'd failed for all the run-on sentences above. Haha.

And somehow, you just know some things are best left broken. =)

Right. Haiti is in a state of crisis and I just went through a day of tossing perfectly edible food cos some rich idiots decides that sides ain't worth the calories. Makes me wonder what is happening to this world. And yes, I have half a mind to FedEx it over to Haiti, where people would actually appreciate food.

Flea market was epic fail, saw bern at airport, went bag hunting and found factory outlets + nice clothes shop instead. And lets just not mention further about the confuse ray moment in the morning.

***

Just added that to what I wanted to blog about. *points above. proper blog post is *points below

***

Sickening ain't it? When your mind tells your heart to let it go, your heart tells your mind to fuck off and die. Then your mind goes into complete meltdown mode, and you begin to do irrational things.

And that's what it means to be true to yourself. Listen to your heart until it fucks you over so badly that you finally give up and live rationally, when you finally discover you actually might succeed at acting as though you're perfectly happy.

Nope, not emo, just something I was thinking about. How every time someone decides to follow his heart, and ends up getting fucked (not in the sexual sense). Okay, listening to too much of "Happy". You know, "don't care about all the pain in front of me, I'm just wanna be happy". Which is why I conclude actors are the happiest people in the world. Cos they can release all their inner angst (the one which everyone acts like they don't have), and get paid plus applause. Ever wondered why catharsis works? Cos you fucking feel it too.

And on the other end of the spectrum, you have the people who are in perfect control. What they plan, they get. Life's like a vending machine to them. Just press. When it gets stuck, press again. While the whole world is busy commenting that they have no life, sad lives, calling them losers, materialistic, there they are enjoying themselves while sore and bitter us secretly wish we could be like them.

So, hypocrites aren't that bad after all right? People, throw your moral handbooks outta the window, you've spent too much time being moral that you forgot to be happy. Me? I figured it out in my head. Hopes and dreams are always at their best when you let them float around in your head, and they suck big time when you actually make it happen.

Oh yes, and before I end what moral/critical/delusional people would call an angsty post, just wanted to say

I'm missing you and that's all I know.

Okay said. Night world, happy trying to walk down the road of life with your nose buried in your damn book of morals, watch out for that.. never mind. you probably fell in already.

Loser me.

Blogging on my brother's laptop now, after dying 20487023 times on that insanely difficult RPG game. (which says something since i usually wreck havoc in such games).

Damn, just havent been able to bring myself to study for SATs besides reading/browsing through the goddamn book. I'm so going to fuck myself over for this man. Oh wells. Dinner with xw, ws, zj tmr, i shall bring my book and study on the train and go earlier to stone, i mean study at starbucks first. Okay, i'm gonna look at princeton's website and college photos to motivate myself (though i doubt it works).

And this is mental. I've given up finding a job, I'm just gonna take a massive break till I enlist, I figured I need one anyway. Who's up for a backpacking trip for a month? Aussie sounds nice =)

oh, and i really have to get my arse down to VJ, cos i do owe ms lim and mr ho a nice thank you card for all they've done for me. and to visit some very special people.

hey! emo-less post! heh. that's new. and i shall ruin it by saying, i miss s43 =(. i wanna terrorize teachers with my class once again.

and recently went back to cat high with josh. cant help but feel a lil' sad when saras said hardly anyone comes back for a visit. (except for us, we keep annoying them). you cant help but feel that bit of nolstagia when you barge into the staff room, have all the teachers look up at you, and the old teachers recognise you and go tsk, and the new teachers stare at you for such audacity but you don't give a shit. And to have your teachers tell you they miss you barging in like that. and hearing someone say that not many genuinely miss cat high, but rather, miss how easy it was to be a cat high boy. and seeing how the school turns into a ghost town after 2, i'm glad i was in the batch that refused to go home. sigh. sad huh? so many people said they miss that place but josh and i are the first to return there this year. but i figured partly because too many of our teachers left alr.

okay la, enough of the depressing stuff, just to tell those who are feeling down, don't worry bout falling cos the losers are all there to cushion your fall. evil me, i know. =)

Hello hello! Back again, cos I'm just bored stiff after family mahjong session.

Just read collin's blog (I know right? Stalking people at such an unearthly hour). Hah. Just makes me think through how my VJ life has been. Which I'm quite sad to say, one heck of painful experience. 'nuff said. Thank god for S43 and TSD to keep me sane in that jailhouse. And since they pretty much made up my whole curriculum time in VJ, I'm secretly missing those days already. Especially GP lessons where Celeste and I will attempt to murder Mr. Hoe. So when I say VJ was the worst 2 years of my life, I kinda mean that my life was just awesomer before I stepped into that jailhouse.

And I'm starting to think (wow), I'm just stabbing myself repeatedly over and over again. Right where it hurts the most. Its just delusional, delusional, delusional. But no, can't breakdown, won't breakdown, there're things I need to do, for myself, for those that matter. Besides, no one likes a broken wreck. And I'm not gonna care if it hurts anymore.

And this is not just for me, but for everyone out there nursing a broken heart. Hang in there babe =)

Cos if its heaven, its worth fighting for.

Whoopee. Nope, I'm not excited for anything.

Just a random post. Like, to get some irritatingly stubborn thoughts outta my head, now that I know NO ONE reads this. (Honestly, how come everyone thinks I've stopped blogging?)

Okay, confession, my sensitive side just went into crazy mode, so I'm taking all the small things and blowing it all up way outta proportion, in my head though, thank goodness. Then comes this little dude in my head that tells me there's a slight chance that I'm right.

Thank goodness my little green book keeps me sane. But somehow, it irks me how retarded some people can be. Sigh. What to do? Everyone has retarded moments, just that some have it more than others. So animal farm. Heh.

But you know what? I think its time to stop trying to make things right, cos it still doesn't feel right, and I don't want to fall into that state once again. At the very least, I no longer consider myself that much of an asshole, and to be very realistic, I started out without it anyway, so yea. But don't worry, it ain't about what everyone thinks it is. Its something else, something so personal only two people know anything about it. (Bet 5 bucks no one believes me, oh wait, no one reads this blog)

Weirdest part, I feel this extreme need to be alone when I'm with people, yet I feel this extreme need to be with people when I'm alone. Yea, weird right? Although right now I'm savouring the pleasures of being highly anti-social, and trying to take a leaf outta shaun's book by taking everything day by day. Lucky buggers who enlist in Feb.

Secretly not taking my jobhunt seriously, secretly want to slack off till I enlist, secretly just realized this isn't very secretly. And secretly waiting for sandy, esti sweej to arrange our monopoly date. And secretly waiting for the day when kenrick xw and collin are free to k, and I secretly just remembered I'm supposed to plan one more k session with s43, and secretly waiting for the sleepover, and secretly thinking this secretly thing is just too excessive.

Okay, retarded post. But gotta chill for the next week, mug me arse off for SATs, which I conveniently haven't started. Which means I'm gonna get my arse to get a SAT book, sit down for 2 hours each day and study, which I suspect will not happen, and I can just laugh at myself for wasting money again.

Argh, stupid emo mood, get outta my head.

Sigh. Cos you know something? No matter how much you said you've let it go, no matter how much you try to convince yourself, somehow, a small part of it tugs at your heartstrings, and you secretly know its just something you can never let go.

First post of 2010!

Whew. Been a crazy new year. Spent the 1st helping dad out at the bowling alley, nothing special to comment.

But 2,3,4 Jan kick-started 2010 with a bang, literally. S43 chalet! Somehow, at the end of the day, it's them that have that special place in my heart as my class. Went late (as usual), met them in NTUC where we spent like a heck load of time, embarrassed myself like 20times over, and splurged on food to an extent that celeste and i are still trying to recover from the loss. Went to the chalet and we literally stoned there for like an hour, then we went to do something, although i cannot remember what. Oops. Then bbq, one word: Awesome. Although that pms-ing auntie was really asking for a bitch fit on my part. And major epic fail at trying to use sparklers to do 08S43. All that ended up was this crazy amount of smoke that engulfed every single one of us and sparked off a major coughing fit. Gosh, i think ppl thought we set the place on fire.

Then bathe and blah blah blah, didnt go KBOX in the end, sent the rest of the classmates home, and then, heh. XY brought this damn horrible show called District 9, which put everyone but me and him to sleep. Then when we finally gave up, turned off the tv, everyone woke up. -_-". So we ended up having S43 bonding activity. Heh. Stupid basketball joke.

Day 2 was awesomest of all. WILD WILD WET! Slide after slide after slide, concussion after concussion, and 5+ rounds at the shiok pool. Beat that. Fish & Co express dinner was awesome, that pretty good looking person at the counter was damn patient. Like, i'd have scolded myself if i had to serve me as a customer. And then, sparklers at some random bbq pit (not ours). Burnt out 08S43. Like major vandalism, but who cares. Then XY said the sparkling juice bottle won't crack, so we threw in 6+ sparklers in and lit them all. yanzhou nearly got celeste murdered, and we now have an epic video of hongaik going "zao zao!" when the bloody bottle exploded. Tsk. So much for "won't crack".

Day 3 was this major blur, somehow found ourselves at teo heng, sang my backside off, then went home.

And after all this. I got one thing to say. I really really really miss my S43 life. Cant believe i used to complain so much about it. I miss seeing mrs koh every morning giving us the its-too-damn-early face, miss seeing celeste take attendance, miss pms-ing larry choy cos he hates us for being a clump instead of a line, miss siwei annoying almost all our teachers, miss having jayne make ren an shut up, miss having breaks, miss falling asleep in lectures, miss ponting lectures, miss math and chem tutorials, miss tripping mr hoe during GP, miss ding-dong-ing with the class, miss mugging with them. Argh. For once in my life, I actually wanna go back to JC. Feels like I'm missing a huge part of me. And the best part is, I never knew how much I'd miss those days with S43. Emo nemo time. =(

Its days like this I just wanna go do a math paper just to relive the experience. Guess what, I think I'm gonna miss S43 more than I'd ever miss council.

So, who's up for crashing school, pretending we actually have lessons?