Awesome, 2009, possibly the worst year of my life, is finally over. Fuck yea!

Still, there were little moments in 2009 that made it memorable. TSD slots, Orientation, crashing andrew's place to study, pre and post prom (and not actual prom). So, my top 10 moments in 2009?

10) Andrew's surprise party, where he nearly came down in god-forbid-me-to-say.
9) Knowing what celeste, and s43 had actually done for me.
8) Water baby fight with sandy and xiaowei
7) Pseudo post A celebrations with Andrew and Andrea at Dempsey B&Js
6) 4th December, 11.00am, staring at Eva take half an eternity to tie her papers together.
5) Emo-talking with that special someone on my birthday.
4) The shock when I realized we were less than 10 days away from Orientation 2009
3) Dinner with Josh, Andrew and Bern =)
2) Crazy post-prom party
1) Running away from Fountain of Wealth with O1 adhoc right after mass dance ended, conveniently ps-ing all the other councillors.

Yeaps, magical moments that kept me sane last year. Feels good to say last year. LAST YEAR LAST YEAR LAST YEAR. Well, too many things have happened in 2009. One big major fat ass conflict, one out-of-proportioned split, one emotional wreck, one epicly draining rescue later, and I'm still standing, although barely.

Had the week to slowly think things through. Yea, things seem better now that there's been 6 months for things to chill. But these 6 months told me something else, that it's just not meant to be. These 6 months told me, hoping things would be the same, is impossible. So stop deluding yourself. Its more like rediscovering a side that you once knew, but you know its still out of reach. And the most important thing that these 6 months told me, is that its about time I stop acting as though it was okay, cos it wasn't.

But hey, don't we all know marraige is a screwed institution?

And slowly, I realize that doesnt just apply to what happened at home, but everything to me. Dammit, Andrew Tan Zi Jie, get back to Singapore asap, best friend in need here.

Oh well, my only new year resolution is to throw all the unhappy things that happened away, and start 2010 afresh. And yea, I never thought I'd say this, I don't know if they'll ever read it, but to Kenrick and Katharine, sorry for everything that happened, i just hope things are still cool. *insert weak smile here*

And so, kiss fucking 2009 goodbye.
.
.
.
and special shoutout to sandy, esti, xiaowei and andrew for keeping me sane for the whole of last year!

T'was the jolliest day in weeks.

From the late arrivals, to the trips, both literal and metaphorical, down memory lane, guess we all still are pretty much the same. Burgers, fountains, books and good ol' chatting. And everyone's changed, yet it still feels the same.

and you know what. we're just gonna keep this up, even if it kills me, cos its worth it. (hello, full possible attendance k!)

Okay. Today is just freaky.

Spent the whole morning sleeping (as usual), afternoon doing housework for the first time cos the i-need-to-study-for-my-bloody-A-levels excuse finally hit expiry date, evening shopping at ion but didn't buy anything (for once). Thankfully got the Fossil watch strap done properly, now its wearable mode.

Somehow, thanks to collin tang, weird dreams are starting to hit me. And I mean really weird and really scary at the same time. So if you are reading this collin, THANKS A LOT. Best part, I wake up with inklings of my dream, but never the full story, yet I'm secretly thankful cos all I can remember is that the parts I cannot remember are things I don't want to remember. Heh. Bet some people need to re-read that line twice to get it.

Oh. found a nice and economical jap restaurant at ion. heh. sashimi mania. Okay, I really should be sleeping, got Orientation meeting at 12, which is 9.5hours away. Did I say meeting? I meant gathering. Aiya, almost the same. Can't sleep, and everyone else is. Can you believe it, I actually have half a mind to go do a math paper now.

Argh. Okay, this is a rubbish post. Cos no one's awake enough to talk to me, and my best friends are either dead asleep on his damn comfy bed, or stuck halfway across the world freezing his butt off. Bah.

Nvm. Class chalet, salary, orientation outing, orientation crashing, GOGOGO! 2009, you stupid shitty year, quickly end and give me my awesome new 2010.

K. Young man, get your sorry arse to bed, or die trying. Woots.

You know, things are starting to pick themselves up. But somehow there a little signs that tell you its too late, its not gonna be the same, its somehow gonna bite you in the arse again. I must be thinking too much. Hopefully.

And Christmas passed. Loveliest present from josh, and the best card too. Simple, kinky yet heartwarming. And Vic's card was just nice, in every sense of the word. Kinda makes me like how a few words from someone can actually make your day such an awesome one. And cousin Junie got my brother and I an Adidas and Fossil watch, and since my brother has a public vengeance on watches, both are mine! Besides, we share watches anw.

Oh, oh, did I mention christmas sucked? No mood, didnt make presents, spent eve, day and boxing day subsequently at dad's alley slogging my backside off. loveliest christmas ever. Nvm. Shopping trip on sunday with mommy. (random insert: andrew just came online! YAY!) oh, and orientation picnic on monday, and S43 gathering too! pity i have to miss the s43 one. but there's class chalet! Thank goodness, looking forward to everything!

And the emo side of me takes over again...

Once again, no reply. And I just have no idea how to turn things around. And I still dumbly keep all the fond memories of the past, which do nothing but remind me of how horrible things are now. And I just cant let it go. Yea, I look fine, I act fine. Actually, I'm fine. Its just those little moments, and you just feel like shit. And it just makes you feel scared you know. That someday you gotta bow your head down and just admit you lost it.

but then again, its moments like this that i really appreciate the soon yous, celeste, josh and drew for everything they've done. the little things they do, just makes you wanna run up to them and enter huggle attack mode.

okay, and i'm going all emo-y and blah. and yes, i blame the christmas spirit for this. so i'm going to shut up and go sleep. no one ever reads this blog anyway, so why the hell do i say all these things here? delusional boy, shut up and go sleep.

cos all of the stars,
have faded away,
just try not to worry,
you'll see 'em someday.
take what you need,
and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out.

cos you don't have any reason to.

And today, I take it all back. Cos today just proved to me, some things in life never change.

and you thought you only saw stars because you knocked your head.

Listening to "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" by Oasis, and the cover by Leona Lewis. This, and that PSC psychometric test made me think a lot.

Cos all of the stars have faded away,
just try not to worry, you'll see them some day.

Right. Too many things have happened in this complete bitch of a two years. Just read Vic's blog, and I realized. Maybe, just maybe, I was a little too harsh on him. You know, you run away from the problem, and when it catches up with you in the end, you just give it one tight smack, so hard you pretty much hurt yourself as well. And now everything's awkward. And he's in army already, surprisingly, so I guess we just gotta leave it as that.

And suddenly, I feel ignored again. Not the kind where people don't message you or blah, but more of you talk to people but it doesn't feel right kinda feeling. Makes me wonder, if I'm ever gonna see those stars some day, what if that day never comes. Okay, I'm being stupid again.

Anyway, thank god josh is back, I aint stranded in singapore by myself anymore. annoy a best friend option is now open, yay me. But i'll spare you, let you recover from jet lag first. =) So ironic. I'm the one who didnt move, and yet I'm the one that's stranded. tsk.

And now that Arianto's party, prom and all other blah has finally settled down, sleeping in today was freaking awesome. And someone congratulate me, what took me two years to accumulate took me one day to pack and dispose! Yes, my notes are officially history (and some stuffed in the back of my cupboard). Hah. In your face Sandy!

While packing though, found lotsa stuff from my two years in VJ stashed in between all the notes. Like my orientation notebook, letters from Gwen, Shervin and some 25ths. Cant help but think of the past. But hey, moved on, not gonna dwell on it, cos I know one thing, which is that I left because I was becoming something that I didnt like. No one's fault, except mine. Just know that I never blamed anyone else, its just that I couldn't live with it anymore. Hah. Whatever, like they'll ever read this. You know, just wished that we could all stop acting like we're mutually invisible. Tsk, forget it.

And when I finally arrived to the mountain of TSD rubbish, whoa. Besides the cockroach that scurried out (and died a horrible death), packing was never so fun. Running through scripts; seniors' slots, cue sheets, IS, mini-IS, mono, duo with Leon, all the crit comms. Its like instant flashback to year one when things were much simpler, much happier.

Best part of packing? When I managed to bring myself to sieve out the notebooks Josh and andrew got me this year. Josh's is filled with random rubbish, like "rmb to open letterbox", while andrew's completely blank, but they're both now sitting in my "sacred corner" in my drawer, until they come back from overseas when I'll throw the notebooks at them for leaving me stranded here in Singapore by myself. And conveniently in there's my orientation notebook, you know, somehow, its only now that I start to see Ms Lim's point about writing stuff down. Not cos you learn from them though, but when after a year later, you open, and see the stuff you wrote, like "Omg, learning points again.." or just Vic's random purple dotting on half a page.

Oh, and the convenient SL photo that fell out of Physical Quantities notes (don't ask me how). Reminds me that I owe ke an outing, and of a certain promise I made with a certain someone but I guess we failed to keep it. Like, epic fail.

See, packing can actually be carthatic. so lazy post-A students, stop reading this and start packing. who knows what you can find. hopefully, not cockroaches.

and a little special shoutout to the following people for the awesome week: esti, sandy, sweej, xiaowei, arianto, amanda, yvette, zhanyi, dongying, sam, serena, eva and my mom's very cute message =)

Prom's over, to hell with expensive dressing that so does not obviously reflect the natural beauty of people. But still, t'was fun. Except that most of the councillors left before I managed to get a picture with them, but oh well, prom was a complete smash for me. Actually it was post-prom and post-post-prom and the thingy coming up after prom.

Which made me realize something. Without TSD, I really wouldn't know what I'd do in VJ. Sure, its probably the most non-economical subject, but hey, it really does stuff to you that you don't ever realize. K Suites was awesome, and being with them was awesomer. And so now is the time we all settled down, and tomorrow, we continue on this crazy week. Oh my gosh, I'm so not getting any rest.

Oh, and 169 photos after filtering, I think I just outdid myself. =)

Back at last.

Seeing how I've been conveniently neglecting this blog, I shall be nice and share my post As joy here as well. And yea, prom is giving me the biggest headache to come. Call it betrayal, call it inconsiderate, call it selfish, I figured I probably just go with the flow, and do the first thing that comes to mind that night. makes me regret going for prom.

and yea, I just remembered. someone owes me some answers. Although to the questions I don't really want answered. But that nagging feeling inside just keeps tugging at you, and you just feel like you want to vomit blood, die, and burn in eternal hell. or not.

but more importantly, its gonna be that one question that i never dared to ask. to risk everything all over again, but I want, and don't wanna take that leap of faith.

oh, and to mention this, an amazing crash that set us back by 3000 kajingles and now I have to suffer although there was no way I could have been responsible for it. how nice, just what i needed. and everyone acts like i willed it to happen, and the pressure is on me. pissed? nah, understatement. not because of the kajingles, not because of the sacrifices, but the lack of appreciation, being taken for granted, and the turning of a blind eye to the crash while maintaining the fiery disposition towards me. lovely way to end the A levels, dont you think?

Bah. Fuck this world, life sucks, take drugs, and may someday we all just drop dead and rot for all eternity.

Okay, this is it. 8 days away from what I've been working towards to for the past 2 years. Okay, I'm lying, more like past 3 months.

And yea, been blog hopping after the mind-draining session today. Read some things that made me smile, some mad me frown. The scariest thing about being happy with what you have is that life might just take it away from you. But just recently, someone just reminded me how some things will never change. Yeaps, I can safely conclude the bonds formed from those 4 years can and will survive the test of time. And for those that didn't, there's always superglue.

And random quote I blurted out yesterday: "The last time I ran was after the bus." I need to get my butt back into shape.

Doing a lil' self-assessment helps once in a while. And for the first time in my life, I kinda regret choosing VJ over say, SAJC or CJC. Sure, TSD was awesome, Council was fun while it lasted, but its such a dog-eat-dog world there. Kill, or be killed, and I unknowingly played that game. And hearing Josh tell me about all the chances he gets, cos he didnt make my decision, I can't help but wonder, maybe I'd be better off somewhere else.

And my 5 minutes of self-indulgence is over. Cos you can't turn back time, but you certainly can make tomorrow a little easier for yourself. I mean, c'mon, why hold a grudge for things done wrong, when you can just appreciate things done right.

Oh, and ignoring each other ain't gonna help things you know?

What am I doing online? I should be studying. Yea, whatever, I'll feel guilty later.

You know, its been 6 months. That's half a year. Which is 1/36 of my life thus far. But if there's one big lesson learnt from these months, it'll be to count the blessings I have, rather than resent the misfortunes. Or rather the mistakes I've made that came back to kick me (really hard) in the ass. Tsk. Why the sudden philosophy? Cos that three days that I was sick, studying went out of the window, and I finally had some time to think things over.

You know how some things affect people really badly, while it doesn't even register to some? You feel like you're going nuts inside, you feel like you've just let about the most important things to you slip right out of your hands. Oddly enough, the first Dharma lesson I ever had as a kid answered that question. The idea that a guitar string, when wound too tightly would just snap, but if wound too loosely, it'll sound like crap. Its been easy telling myself its everyone else's fault, and then its been hard to keep telling myself its all my fault. And I still recall what Ms Tan said, at the end of the day, no one cares what happens to the guitar, the main aim is to get the right sound out.

And just thinking back on how these 6 months has been. Well, I guess everyone's happy now. That's all that matters right now. Getting through this final lap. Then, we start all over. Loss? nah, I walked into this almost 2 years ago without any of this, and I couldn't have asked for anymore. its been quite a ride, loads of downs, but hey, the ups were way high up.

Okay. End of post. Time to get outta me-mode, and get my ass back to study-mode. 4th December, you better freaking hurry up.

What's the point? You'll never see this anyway.

Whoa. Its over. Somehow, it isn't the same as cat high, but still awesome nonetheless.

And yea, even though only some of them know of the existence of this blog, just a lil' shoutout to a group of really awesome awesome awesome people!

Yeaps, 08S43!! Dang, what was I thinking, only when there's about 2 months left then I started to get reacquainted with the class. =(.

But hey, thanks for being there during the low periods of my VJ life this year, especially to Celeste & Xuan Yi.

And Mrs Koh for being the best CT any JC kid can ever ask for.

And to my awesomest classmate ever, Sweej! (who is secretly pretty sexy!)

and to my lovely juniors for organizing farewell and Open House, and hanging out wimme!

and to my fellow councillors, especially Xiaowei, for all those mass dance mania!

and to my TSD peeps, esp Sandy & Esti!

-------

Well, looking at the photos, huge mix of feelings.

Especially the one of S43 during PAE period. Ironically, the first and last class photo looks awfully alike.

And I came across this photo. And reading the comments, you know, cant help but feel that tinge of regret, for what could have been. I mean, the look they give now is just.. Need we always take things to the extreme?

And then the stupid nolstagic side of me when to surf those photos and past conversations. And to think now all we can manage is a weak "Hi!" and "Cya!".

But then I watched the carpet video, and the closet mugger video. And I saw the hippo+bear photo Celeste and I took at the start of last year. And I remembered XY and I sharing that bowl of porridge. And I looked at the photos/messages from the juniors. One word: happy =)

And I think of the plans I have with Shaun, Josh, Andrew after the accursed As are over. And the plans with the class, TSD and maybe council.

And i just tell myself, we can all work things out eventually.

And when I heard about that thing. A little twinge of sadness. But hey, I know they'll make it through. Or at least with less damage.

Dude, time to let go...

Maybe, just maybe, everything that's been haunting me is just a reminder that being able to live with myself is more important than happiness.

But then again, if I should be glad that I can live with myself.

And I guess the one thing I've learnt, there's really no point in pretending you're happy when there's this nagging feeling in you. And its not my problem if people can't accept that you need to deal with it your way to be able to live with it.

Right or wrong, does it matter? After all, people come and go, but the one person that will always stay to haunt you is yourself. Imagine, you not being able to live with yourself. Makes solitude seems so much more appealing.

But then again, I ain't alone. =)

Beckett was right. People are bloody ignorant apes.

Hit me.

Okay, kidding. Prelims are like freaking two days away for me. 2 more months, dammit, 2 more months.

"Inwardbound" just added me as a friend on Facebook. Figured its probably thomas since he's a trainer there. Which kinda makes me jealous. Here I am, mugging my arse off for A Levels, and there he is doing what he loves. Tsk.

And yea, wanted to blog cos I need to rant. This idiot of lizard dropped onto my lap and leaped off onto the road today. Lucky for it, no car ran over it. Talk about perfect timing.

I shall take that as a positive sign for my prelims =)

My god, I'm truly delusional.

And I hit the highway..

Studying out with Josh was strangely productive in a non-academic way. Half a math paper, 13Chem MCQs and one failed attempt at a Greek essay outline later, and we reverted to our good ol' ways. (Hey, at least I know what I'm gonna get)

Seeing Bern and Ms Hua and Ms Saras certainly added to the good stuff that day. Marc looks so darn big now, makes me feel so goddamn old. And seeing Hilary pretend to be scared of me, can't help but feel grateful for those 4 years of my life.

Did I mention about prata with the old gang? Gosh, I still remember how we managed to disturb even those in the obscurest of corners.

Oh and that letter + candy cane in my cube. Can't help but feel that warm fuzzy feeling inside, and how it really made all those battles worth it.

Plus mugging with everyone on Thursday. Which made me realized all this while, I never really fought those battles alone.

And somehow, today felt like a message from somewhere, that it ain't over yet. Its like you finally found that loose plug and at long last rammed it back where it belongs.

Perfect. I like :)

sometimes,
its hard to see
what's been there all along.

sometimes,
you just shove everything,
till you find out we were wrong

For the first time, it feels like someone hit the reset button. Its like how everything has been thrown back exactly two years, only now it ain't Bishan, its Marine Parade. Days of ranting bout how we're all gonna party 'once this is over'. Looking forward to it.

Things are starting to pick up, I'm starting to pick up steam, and then, to those damned things that are haunting me now, its to the left, to the left, everything just toss into the box on the left.

cos you give me something to believe in,
i mean, after all we've been through.

Termination.

How it hits once again. Wallowing in self-pity never helps, but then again, who ever gave a shit? Its like dropping little pieces of you, hoping someone picks it up, but no one does and you end up being more and more incomplete.

Its like a shattered mug, even if you piece it back together, the cracks will always be there. And bloody hell, I'm freaking proud of these cracks.

Go figure.

whew. what a weekend.

this blog is getting less emo, and less readers. I LIKE.

spent saturday with the 25ths. sure miss hanging out with them =).

spent sunday with the juniors (actually its mainly shervin and chunyong and jessie and huihui), then went off with my ding-dongs to celebrate national day OUR way. makes being a fairy godmother worth it. and fireworks are best seen through glass.

spent today (monday) at andrew's surprise birthday party. nothing else to say. andrew's place is always filled with such eternal never-ending cosy-ness i can never complain.

and tuesday is gonna be one hectic day. wednesday is gonna be an amazing day, and I'm looking forward for lunch on thurs, and then its TGIF.

I might actually get my perfect week this year =)

counting.

what for?

the equation doesn't make sense.

why does it have to?

offense or defence.

why does it matter, since everyone loses anyway?

why.

why?

whoa. talk about cool.

class bbq to celebrate dahlia's birthday was awesome. and truth or dare, haha, can't believe we all still remember the PAE days. And they all remembered my story. Its times like this you cant help but feel a little touched. maybe i was too quick in making certain decisions. getting pushed down the stairs by Tas is strangely addictive.

and hey, crazy weekend coming up. and wednesday's gonna be one heck of a rush.

oh, and before i forget, hey you over there, hang in there okay?

cos when the sky is darkest, you can see the stars,
so baby, have a little faith

(i really should get a new skin)

but hey, you over there,
yea you,
the one looking right at me,
yea you,
smile, cos life's worth that. =D

why won't this just stop and go away?

Beckett is right. Life is indeed cyclical and repetitive. 3 months from the recovery, and it's happening again. and 2 years from that incident, i'm starting to see the signs again. Two completely unrelated occurrences, two separate cycles, now about to coincide.

he drew the words out of his mouth,
what more could he ask for?
Liberation, release, salvation,
nothing but old wives' tales.

awkward. it just isn't working anymore.

talk about klutz. by trying to pick up the pieces, i've smashed the bits into minuscule particles. well done.

but hey, its gonna be alright...right?

who am i trying to kid? of course i won't be alright. but then again, nothing's really wrong with things now right?

damn. i need josh more than ever before.

memories. I guess they just aren't enough to get me through.

but hey, gotta keep moving forward right? once this crazy period is over, I guess that's when I should really start picking up the pieces.