Awesome, 2009, possibly the worst year of my life, is finally over. Fuck yea!

Still, there were little moments in 2009 that made it memorable. TSD slots, Orientation, crashing andrew's place to study, pre and post prom (and not actual prom). So, my top 10 moments in 2009?

10) Andrew's surprise party, where he nearly came down in god-forbid-me-to-say.
9) Knowing what celeste, and s43 had actually done for me.
8) Water baby fight with sandy and xiaowei
7) Pseudo post A celebrations with Andrew and Andrea at Dempsey B&Js
6) 4th December, 11.00am, staring at Eva take half an eternity to tie her papers together.
5) Emo-talking with that special someone on my birthday.
4) The shock when I realized we were less than 10 days away from Orientation 2009
3) Dinner with Josh, Andrew and Bern =)
2) Crazy post-prom party
1) Running away from Fountain of Wealth with O1 adhoc right after mass dance ended, conveniently ps-ing all the other councillors.

Yeaps, magical moments that kept me sane last year. Feels good to say last year. LAST YEAR LAST YEAR LAST YEAR. Well, too many things have happened in 2009. One big major fat ass conflict, one out-of-proportioned split, one emotional wreck, one epicly draining rescue later, and I'm still standing, although barely.

Had the week to slowly think things through. Yea, things seem better now that there's been 6 months for things to chill. But these 6 months told me something else, that it's just not meant to be. These 6 months told me, hoping things would be the same, is impossible. So stop deluding yourself. Its more like rediscovering a side that you once knew, but you know its still out of reach. And the most important thing that these 6 months told me, is that its about time I stop acting as though it was okay, cos it wasn't.

But hey, don't we all know marraige is a screwed institution?

And slowly, I realize that doesnt just apply to what happened at home, but everything to me. Dammit, Andrew Tan Zi Jie, get back to Singapore asap, best friend in need here.

Oh well, my only new year resolution is to throw all the unhappy things that happened away, and start 2010 afresh. And yea, I never thought I'd say this, I don't know if they'll ever read it, but to Kenrick and Katharine, sorry for everything that happened, i just hope things are still cool. *insert weak smile here*

And so, kiss fucking 2009 goodbye.
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.
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and special shoutout to sandy, esti, xiaowei and andrew for keeping me sane for the whole of last year!

T'was the jolliest day in weeks.

From the late arrivals, to the trips, both literal and metaphorical, down memory lane, guess we all still are pretty much the same. Burgers, fountains, books and good ol' chatting. And everyone's changed, yet it still feels the same.

and you know what. we're just gonna keep this up, even if it kills me, cos its worth it. (hello, full possible attendance k!)

Okay. Today is just freaky.

Spent the whole morning sleeping (as usual), afternoon doing housework for the first time cos the i-need-to-study-for-my-bloody-A-levels excuse finally hit expiry date, evening shopping at ion but didn't buy anything (for once). Thankfully got the Fossil watch strap done properly, now its wearable mode.

Somehow, thanks to collin tang, weird dreams are starting to hit me. And I mean really weird and really scary at the same time. So if you are reading this collin, THANKS A LOT. Best part, I wake up with inklings of my dream, but never the full story, yet I'm secretly thankful cos all I can remember is that the parts I cannot remember are things I don't want to remember. Heh. Bet some people need to re-read that line twice to get it.

Oh. found a nice and economical jap restaurant at ion. heh. sashimi mania. Okay, I really should be sleeping, got Orientation meeting at 12, which is 9.5hours away. Did I say meeting? I meant gathering. Aiya, almost the same. Can't sleep, and everyone else is. Can you believe it, I actually have half a mind to go do a math paper now.

Argh. Okay, this is a rubbish post. Cos no one's awake enough to talk to me, and my best friends are either dead asleep on his damn comfy bed, or stuck halfway across the world freezing his butt off. Bah.

Nvm. Class chalet, salary, orientation outing, orientation crashing, GOGOGO! 2009, you stupid shitty year, quickly end and give me my awesome new 2010.

K. Young man, get your sorry arse to bed, or die trying. Woots.

You know, things are starting to pick themselves up. But somehow there a little signs that tell you its too late, its not gonna be the same, its somehow gonna bite you in the arse again. I must be thinking too much. Hopefully.

And Christmas passed. Loveliest present from josh, and the best card too. Simple, kinky yet heartwarming. And Vic's card was just nice, in every sense of the word. Kinda makes me like how a few words from someone can actually make your day such an awesome one. And cousin Junie got my brother and I an Adidas and Fossil watch, and since my brother has a public vengeance on watches, both are mine! Besides, we share watches anw.

Oh, oh, did I mention christmas sucked? No mood, didnt make presents, spent eve, day and boxing day subsequently at dad's alley slogging my backside off. loveliest christmas ever. Nvm. Shopping trip on sunday with mommy. (random insert: andrew just came online! YAY!) oh, and orientation picnic on monday, and S43 gathering too! pity i have to miss the s43 one. but there's class chalet! Thank goodness, looking forward to everything!

And the emo side of me takes over again...

Once again, no reply. And I just have no idea how to turn things around. And I still dumbly keep all the fond memories of the past, which do nothing but remind me of how horrible things are now. And I just cant let it go. Yea, I look fine, I act fine. Actually, I'm fine. Its just those little moments, and you just feel like shit. And it just makes you feel scared you know. That someday you gotta bow your head down and just admit you lost it.

but then again, its moments like this that i really appreciate the soon yous, celeste, josh and drew for everything they've done. the little things they do, just makes you wanna run up to them and enter huggle attack mode.

okay, and i'm going all emo-y and blah. and yes, i blame the christmas spirit for this. so i'm going to shut up and go sleep. no one ever reads this blog anyway, so why the hell do i say all these things here? delusional boy, shut up and go sleep.

cos all of the stars,
have faded away,
just try not to worry,
you'll see 'em someday.
take what you need,
and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out.

cos you don't have any reason to.

And today, I take it all back. Cos today just proved to me, some things in life never change.

and you thought you only saw stars because you knocked your head.

Listening to "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" by Oasis, and the cover by Leona Lewis. This, and that PSC psychometric test made me think a lot.

Cos all of the stars have faded away,
just try not to worry, you'll see them some day.

Right. Too many things have happened in this complete bitch of a two years. Just read Vic's blog, and I realized. Maybe, just maybe, I was a little too harsh on him. You know, you run away from the problem, and when it catches up with you in the end, you just give it one tight smack, so hard you pretty much hurt yourself as well. And now everything's awkward. And he's in army already, surprisingly, so I guess we just gotta leave it as that.

And suddenly, I feel ignored again. Not the kind where people don't message you or blah, but more of you talk to people but it doesn't feel right kinda feeling. Makes me wonder, if I'm ever gonna see those stars some day, what if that day never comes. Okay, I'm being stupid again.

Anyway, thank god josh is back, I aint stranded in singapore by myself anymore. annoy a best friend option is now open, yay me. But i'll spare you, let you recover from jet lag first. =) So ironic. I'm the one who didnt move, and yet I'm the one that's stranded. tsk.

And now that Arianto's party, prom and all other blah has finally settled down, sleeping in today was freaking awesome. And someone congratulate me, what took me two years to accumulate took me one day to pack and dispose! Yes, my notes are officially history (and some stuffed in the back of my cupboard). Hah. In your face Sandy!

While packing though, found lotsa stuff from my two years in VJ stashed in between all the notes. Like my orientation notebook, letters from Gwen, Shervin and some 25ths. Cant help but think of the past. But hey, moved on, not gonna dwell on it, cos I know one thing, which is that I left because I was becoming something that I didnt like. No one's fault, except mine. Just know that I never blamed anyone else, its just that I couldn't live with it anymore. Hah. Whatever, like they'll ever read this. You know, just wished that we could all stop acting like we're mutually invisible. Tsk, forget it.

And when I finally arrived to the mountain of TSD rubbish, whoa. Besides the cockroach that scurried out (and died a horrible death), packing was never so fun. Running through scripts; seniors' slots, cue sheets, IS, mini-IS, mono, duo with Leon, all the crit comms. Its like instant flashback to year one when things were much simpler, much happier.

Best part of packing? When I managed to bring myself to sieve out the notebooks Josh and andrew got me this year. Josh's is filled with random rubbish, like "rmb to open letterbox", while andrew's completely blank, but they're both now sitting in my "sacred corner" in my drawer, until they come back from overseas when I'll throw the notebooks at them for leaving me stranded here in Singapore by myself. And conveniently in there's my orientation notebook, you know, somehow, its only now that I start to see Ms Lim's point about writing stuff down. Not cos you learn from them though, but when after a year later, you open, and see the stuff you wrote, like "Omg, learning points again.." or just Vic's random purple dotting on half a page.

Oh, and the convenient SL photo that fell out of Physical Quantities notes (don't ask me how). Reminds me that I owe ke an outing, and of a certain promise I made with a certain someone but I guess we failed to keep it. Like, epic fail.

See, packing can actually be carthatic. so lazy post-A students, stop reading this and start packing. who knows what you can find. hopefully, not cockroaches.

and a little special shoutout to the following people for the awesome week: esti, sandy, sweej, xiaowei, arianto, amanda, yvette, zhanyi, dongying, sam, serena, eva and my mom's very cute message =)

Prom's over, to hell with expensive dressing that so does not obviously reflect the natural beauty of people. But still, t'was fun. Except that most of the councillors left before I managed to get a picture with them, but oh well, prom was a complete smash for me. Actually it was post-prom and post-post-prom and the thingy coming up after prom.

Which made me realize something. Without TSD, I really wouldn't know what I'd do in VJ. Sure, its probably the most non-economical subject, but hey, it really does stuff to you that you don't ever realize. K Suites was awesome, and being with them was awesomer. And so now is the time we all settled down, and tomorrow, we continue on this crazy week. Oh my gosh, I'm so not getting any rest.

Oh, and 169 photos after filtering, I think I just outdid myself. =)

Back at last.

Seeing how I've been conveniently neglecting this blog, I shall be nice and share my post As joy here as well. And yea, prom is giving me the biggest headache to come. Call it betrayal, call it inconsiderate, call it selfish, I figured I probably just go with the flow, and do the first thing that comes to mind that night. makes me regret going for prom.

and yea, I just remembered. someone owes me some answers. Although to the questions I don't really want answered. But that nagging feeling inside just keeps tugging at you, and you just feel like you want to vomit blood, die, and burn in eternal hell. or not.

but more importantly, its gonna be that one question that i never dared to ask. to risk everything all over again, but I want, and don't wanna take that leap of faith.

oh, and to mention this, an amazing crash that set us back by 3000 kajingles and now I have to suffer although there was no way I could have been responsible for it. how nice, just what i needed. and everyone acts like i willed it to happen, and the pressure is on me. pissed? nah, understatement. not because of the kajingles, not because of the sacrifices, but the lack of appreciation, being taken for granted, and the turning of a blind eye to the crash while maintaining the fiery disposition towards me. lovely way to end the A levels, dont you think?

Bah. Fuck this world, life sucks, take drugs, and may someday we all just drop dead and rot for all eternity.